Have You Missed the Dance?

It is approaching five months since my husband Anthony died, and I have gone through several phases or steps in the grief process. My rationale tells me there’s much more to go. With each grief stage, it’s a discovery of my strengths but also my vulnerabilities. Somedays, while in the bedroom, I look at his picture and converse with him. While other days his eyes look straight into my soul and making it impossible to stay in the room.

In the past, what has been difficult to the point of evading, is now an objective I seek. When with a friend in conversation or something happens to sparks a memory of Anthony, it’s now an enthusiastic response to share those moments. It doesn’t bring a tear, but it’s a giggle or a burst of hearty laughter. When previously alone at night I watched something mindless on TV as a means of avoidance. Now I like to fill those quiet moments thinking back of those beautiful memories we made together.

During the grief stage of anger, realizing the financial difficulty I found myself in, the blame was easily placed on Anthony because he insisted spending money joining the country club, remodeling the kitchen and master bath, buying new cars and living an active social life. Anything we wanted; we justified the cost.

Although it would make life easier for me now if we had been more frugal with our spending, yet I have no regrets. What if we hadn’t done those things and he had died at the same time. Having that money without beautiful memories would leave emptiness and further obstacles to overcome in healing.

I have thirty-five plus years full of memories to reflect on that bring the smiles. I have the realization that I had unconditional love in my life that I had never known before. There were conflicts that all couples experience. There were mistakes made with unfortunate consequences. But with our strong bond and trust, we worked through them. What if we hadn’t faced our struggles and gave up on each other? Where would those beautiful memories be that I’m fortunate to now have to recall?

I often look for evidence that would have given me a warning of his impending death. Why isn’t there someone or something to blame that will justify the suddenness and finality? I’ve searched my heart and find no guilt. This should satisfy me that everything was done that could be done, but he still died. Will that portion of the grief be resolved, or will it always be an unanswered question?

We like to think that grief is a separate and challenging process from other facets of our life. The pain of grief is a reality and difficult moments to endure. But it is that much different than other significant life challenges? Don’t we encounter some of the same doubts, anger, confusion, and acceptance? I believe the emotions are similar as well as life-altering.

I’m a country western music fan, and when going through painful periods in my life, I find comfort in some songs. The other day I heard an old favorite, and it was what inspired this post. It is a Garth Brooks hit from 1989, and I leave you with the words and his recording which touched my heart.

“Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared beneath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known you’d ever say goodbye

And now I’m glad I didn’t know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I’d have to miss the dance…”