Traveling Verbs?

Those that follow me have heard me state I’m a novice writer but strive to improve my work. Recently, my editor returned the second edition of One Month, 20 Days, and a Wake Up manuscript. Along with his actual editing markups on the document, he also provides a separate report devoted to comments. Along with giving compliments to those areas he feels are strong, he provides statements of those areas that need strengthening.

I’m a storyteller and all three of my memoirs I wrote in first person POV. I write as if I was telling a friend my life story. In my efforts to have the reader experience the episode, often the detail not the story becomes central. Chris, my editor, pointed out I often overuse “Travel Verbs.”  As he points out, excessive travel verbs weaken the writing and fatigues the reader.

“… Example 1: Bob pulled into his driveway, shut off his car, and opened the car door. He walked up to his front door, checked the mailbox mounted next to the door, and then unlocked the door and walked in. He trudged up the stairs to the second floor. He entered his bedroom, dropped his briefcase on the floor and fell into bed….”

This is an excessive example, but it gives you the idea. Since this post is about sharing a writing weakness, it is also about promoting the release of my second edition book. What better way than to show you some examples Chris found and the corrections I made. When it’s released, perhaps you might even want to read it.

 

Example:

Sgt. Williams gave me directions to the Base Supply Depot and the NCO Club. I headed out the front entrance; I noticed the same private who drove me over was leaning against a post, smoking. I smiled at him and gave a nod.

“Hey, Sarge, where you headed?”

“I need to go to the Base Supply Depot.”

“No use walking, I’ll take you.”

I got in, and he explained the hospital used these old ambulances for transportation around the base and carrying the wounded. He said, “There’s nothing going on. I would rather drive than sit on my ass.”

He dropped me off, and I found the clothing supply section. There were two airmen and a staff sergeant working at desks and six female Vietnamese working at sewing machines. When I showed my papers, the sergeant said, “Go over there and see Mama-son. She’ll take care of everything for you.”

I was there for over three hours, and when I left, I had four pairs of fatigues and four flight suits, all tailored. I had three pairs of boots, which differed from any I had seen. The toes and heels were leather, but the rest was a green canvas. Because I was on a flight crew, they issued heavily treaded soles on my boots.

The new fatigues were dark green with black camouflage patterns; the blue name tags and stripes were now black. The jump wings above my left chest pocket were also in black. My flight suits were a lighter material and were one piece, which zipped and buttoned up the front. There were additional pockets strategically placed on the arms and legs. Growing up as an Air Force dependent, I was familiar with these flight suits. Because we were in a war zone, flight suits had no rank insignia.

Corrected:

Leaving the hospital, the same private who drove me over was leaning against a post. He agreed to drive me over to the base supply depot. I was at the depot for over three hours, and when I left, I had four pairs of fatigues and four flight suits, all tailored. I had three pairs of boots. The boots had the toes and heels in leather, but the rest was a green canvas. The new fatigues were dark green with black camouflage patterns. Name tags, stripes, and other emblems were in black. Growing up as an Air Force dependent, I was familiar with the flight suit they issued. Because of the war zone, flight suits had no rank insignia.

Example:

It surprised me when I found the mess hall busy at 1600 hours. While I waited in line, a cook saw my beret and came over to speak to me. “Hey, Sarge, I haven’t seen you around before. You new?”

“Yeah, I got in last night.”

“We’re serving steaks tonight. I’ll get you one. How do you like it cooked?”

Damn! Steak? What the hell? This is a war zone?

“Damn right. I’d enjoy a steak. Medium-rare if you can…”

“No problem, Sarge. Sit down, and I’ll get someone to bring it to you.”

“Thanks.”

There weren’t any empty tables, but I found one with only one person sitting at it. I introduced myself to the Army sergeant, but he only grunted anytime I tried to engage him in conversation.

Friendly old fart. I wondered who pissed in his Cheerios?

Within a few minutes, a cook brought me a sirloin steak cooked to perfection with steak fries and green beans. I devoured everything as if I hadn’t eaten in days. With a full belly, I headed out the door. The cook who had greeted me was still working the line. He smiled and waved, and I returned his greeting.

Corrected:

It surprised me when I found the mess hall busy at 1600 hours. A cook saw my beret and came over to speak to me. “Hey, Sarge, I haven’t seen you around before. You new?”

“Yeah, I got in last night.”

“We’ve got some steaks. I’ll get you one. How do you like it cooked?”

Damn! Steak? What the hell? This is a war zone?

“Damn right. I’d enjoy a steak. Medium-rare if you can…”

“No problem, Sarge. Sit down, and I’ll get someone to bring it to you.”

“Thanks.”

I located a table with only one occupant. I introduced myself to the Army sergeant, but he only grunted anytime I tried to engage him in conversation.

Friendly old fart. I wondered who pissed in his Cheerios?

Within a few minutes, a cook brought me a sirloin steak with steak fries and green beans. I devoured everything as if I hadn’t eaten in days. Before I left, I found the cook who had greeted me at the door.

“Thanks for the steak. It was perfect. Do you serve steaks all the time?”

The cook smiled, “No, in fact, steak is never on the menu. We get a few in occasionally and give them to individuals we think earn them.”

“But why…?”

“Sarge, you’re one of those PJs, and believe me, you’ll earn yours.”

Damn, PJs around here have a reputation. The guy at the barracks called us crazy, and this guy thinks we’re someone special.

I shook his hand, “Well, thank you. I appreciate the recognition.”

“Anytime you come in, let me know if you want something special. I’ll make sure you get it.”

Summary

With both examples, the action didn’t change, but I eliminated sentences with traveling verbs or redundant information. There are many examples of where Chris pointed out I traveled from point A to Point B, and then on to Point C before any action happened. Skilled writers are aware of this weakness. It’s unnecessary to tell the reader that our character went into the kitchen, open the refrigerator, and got a beer. The information the reader needs, our character is drinking a beer. Readers are savvier than we give them credit. We need not tell them how we got somewhere, just provide them with the action.

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